Would you read this, and tell me which is better ?

The after is much better. but there is too much repetition in both, i.e. As if, As if....compare, compare. I think the first paragraph should be 2. when you are writing the description of eleanor the sentences are too long. I would clean them up more.. I like the way you described you secret on the bed. start the sentences with a different words instead of saying "he's" twice try His body is like that of a Calvin Klein model with perfect abs and huge biceps. i think you've got some really good stuff there. just some more cleaning. I can see some writing just flew out of your hand and other parts you seem to have tried too hard. Let it flow more. Write like you are talking, be yourself. I like the second paragraphs flow much better. More natural.